Intervention

One of my cats has been acting suspicious lately. This morning, I walked into the bathroom to blow dry my hair, and Matilda was slurping out of the toilet. As soon as she realized I had seen her, she quickly sat up straight and snapped, "Who? Me? Oh no, I was just checking to see if the bathroom meets inspection. Carry on!" (She is a big Project Runway fan, so she tries to fit "Carry on!" and "Make it work!" into a conversation whenever she can.) She jumped down onto the tile and glared at me while I dried my hair, and as I left the bathroom, I caught a glimpse of her hopping back up onto the toilet seat and sneaking another sip.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't secretly drinking alone a big red flag? I honestly think she has an addiction. I tried to talk to her brother, Murphy, about it, but he just said, "So, she drinks out of the toilet every now and again. She says it relaxes her. As a matter of fact, you're looking a little tense; maybe you should try it." Obviously Murphy is just a big, fluffy enabler and isn't going to be any help. Ever since that ribbon eating incident, I've known that he's a bad influence. (Trust me; a cat that poops rainbows isn't as cool as it sounds.)

I guess we could keep all of the toilet lids down, but then she'll just start stealing bacon from the breakfast table again, and substituting one addiction for another won't do anyone any good. We could send her to kitty counseling, but she always clams up around strangers. Is there a twelve step program for feline toilet drinking? Even if there were, I don't know if it would matter. Have you ever known cats that were willing to admit that they were powerless over anything? I think I'll just lay down the law and tell her there will be no more toilet drinking in my house. She'll probably cry and tell me that I'm being unreasonable, or she may even try to convince me that a little swig of toilet water on the weekends won't hurt. If she does, I'll just put it in language she can understand. I'll say, "Matilda... make it work!"